I was fresh off of a breakup from a three year relationship. The first few months I felt wild and free. I had feared ending the relationship wondering if she was the one I was supposed to be with, if I would find someone else, and most of all because I was scared to be alone. I was so grateful for her calling it quits since I was too scared to do it myself. I felt like I was finally able to breathe and just let loose from trying so hard to salvage the relationship, even if I was subconsciously pushing her further away. Looking back I realize I had been codependent and allowed her to take advantage of the fact that I did not know my worth and lacked confidence in who I was as an individual. I am now able to see all of my faults and where I went wrong along with why I tried so desperately to save things.
Once the dust started to settle and reality set it in, I really began to process the loss of this relationship. I realized a deep pain within my heart that needed healing. I recall it feeling like giving someone your heart on a silver platter and them ripping it into a thousand pieces. I went back to see the therapist we had been seeing together, Dani Graziano MFT, who week after week held space for me as I bawled on her couch. On several occasions she attempted to reassure me that things would get better and one day I would be able to release the pain that consumed me. Her office was the one place I would allow myself to feel all of the emotions I was holding under lock and key in my vault of emotions. I didn’t want to be a burden to my friends and therefore never allowed myself to appear weak or sad in front of them. I saw crying as a weakness though the lenses I was wearing at the time. My friends had already been through enough emotional turmoil with me during the past seven years of two unhealthy relationships I had been in back to back. So I saved up all of my tears and heartache for one day a week. There in Dani’s office was the first place I was exposed to shadow work and where I began my journey into the depths of my soul.
At this point I was desperate to end the emotional pain I was feeling within. I am a very resourceful person and began looking into things that would help me ease the pain and move on. I started reading self help books, listening to different podcasts, I began writing poetry whenever I would feel emotional, I listened to all the sad music (Demi Lovato’s Tell Me You Love Me Album was my anthem, along with Sam Smith and Adele, of course). I started journaling, I wrote my ex more letters than I can remember, sad ones, happy ones, others apologizing for my mistakes (I never sent any, these were only for therapeutic purposes for me). I learned about shadow work and reprograming my subconscious mind. I wrote positive affirmations. I started following accounts on instagram that posted inspirational quotes and posts. I used exercise as a physical outlet through yoga, hiking, going to the gym, I tried spin and bouldering. You name it, I probably tried it. And, it all eventually worked.
Months later I made my first pilgrimage to Bali with my brother, Dominic, and a friend, Katie. Little did I know that this would be the place I would come to rebirth myself on several occasions. I give a lot of credit to my brother for helping and supporting me along this journey. For months before we left for Bali he had been encouraging me to take a Kundalini Yoga class with him. I wasn’t too sure about it after listening to the explanation of it. It sounded a little different to me and I wasn’t too sure about trying it. Katie and I agreed to try a Kundalini class with Dominic when we were at the Yoga Barn in Ubud. Needless to say, I loved it. As soon as I got home I found a studio that specialized in Kundalini and dove in head first. I love the way that it makes me feel energetically. It gives me the feeling of being very clear and light afterwards.
I remember asking my brother on the way to the airport, “Why do you always go to Bali when there are so many cool places in the world?” His answer was, “just wait until we get there, I can’t explain it.” This is coming from someone who loves to travel and get immersed in new cultures and experiences around the world. I have a long bucket list just like anyone else who loves to travel. Our trip came to an end in Uluwatu, where I really fell in love with the island. It was at this point that I realized what my brother was talking about. Something just felt like home to me. I had found where I am meant to be, my place in the world.
Before we had even left the States I knew I wanted to see a traditional Balinese healer. I had done a little bit of research and found a few options for us. When I shared the list with the group, we all decided on Ibu Jero, a Balinese High Priestess. After my first session with her she looked me in the eyes and said, “You came to Bali to see me. Everything else was just fun. You will go back home a new person.” At the time I had no idea the power and truth behind her words. It would all make sense about six months later when I saw her again in December of 2018.
The six months between my first two Bali trips I continued to work on myself to become a better, well rounded version of my myself. I had recently graduated from therapy, I was going to Kundalini classes, and I found myself reading a lot more. I had really began investing in myself and was learning how to love and prioritize myself. One of the biggest keys to success in my journey is loving myself unconditionally and accepting myself for who I am at each and every moment. At this point I was starting to feel a lot more confident and comfortable in my skin.
When I arrived in Bali the second time, I made it a priority to see Ibu Jero on the day I arrived to the island. This was the session that was a big turning point in my life. I felt that I had really cleared and released the blocks and relationships that weren’t serving my highest self. I remember ending the session thinking I had a lot of questions for her, but not feeling the need to ask them because I already knew the answers within. The only thing she told me was, “Wow! That was powerful!” Within a week I had so much clarity on my life and the direction I was heading. This was the point when I truly realized I was on a spiritual journey and had awakened. I had an AH-HA moment later in the week when I had the realization that I am meant to do what Ibu Jero does. I am meant to heal people energetically. I had this thought after the first time I saw her, but I thought, “it would be so cool to do this, but I don’t have any special gifts like her.” Now, I know this is my purpose in life.
I told my friend Patricia, who was in Bali with me, all of this as soon as I had processed all this information. The next day she took me to see a Vedic astrologer who knew nothing about me except my birth time and place. He told me, “you are here to be an energy healer.” I looked across the table at Patricia with my jaw wide open. This was validation for me from the Universe that I was on the right track. So it began, my journey to dive deeper into my purpose and why I am here.
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